To quote from the movie ‘Inception’, it was just like a dream — wherein we can’t quite remember how it all started — how we got there in the first place.
It started during a part of what we all now know as — The Covid Period — in 2021-22. However, I believe it had very little to do with the pandemic and a lot to do with me needing to come face to face with and process — feelings that I had bottled up over the years in an attempt to ‘fit in.’ It would take 2 more years though for me to realize this. Now when I look back — it could also be that it started around the time that I began to lose my strongest pillar of strength in life — my father — to Alzeimers.
In 2023, I finally decided that I was done putting this off — trying to ignore the problem. I needed help — needed to talk to someone and do whatever it took to HEAL.
My journey towards healing started when I started seeing a therapist. Having grown up in a family where my brother is bipolar and Mom has had her share of mental issues, I was always open to therapy. We had several helpful sessions over a year and following are the 4 things that my therapist explained and we regularly discussed that made complete sense, resonated & stuck with me.
- “No Musts” “No Have To-s”
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves as well as on our family members/relationships — thinking we can, should and need to control the outcome of any given situation so that the result is as per our liking. We have to let go of this need to control. I have free will and others have theirs. There is no “Must” or “Have to”. It’s an illusion. No one ‘HAS to’ do anything at all to accommodate our opinions/expectations. Just say your piece, do your part and let the pieces fall where they will. Let the ship sink if it has to. Watch it sink calmly. It is not your job to keep it from sinking. Life happens. Accept it.
People were not meant to live the way we do — with so many rules and regulations enforced by the society and in turn by your own conditioning in terms of what is right/wrong/necessary/important. Many psychologists believe that in terms of societal structure — humans came too far too fast while our brain development did not catch up at all with the rapidly rising levels of stress that our lifestyle brought along. Our brains are simply not equipped to handle/process the kind of pressure a person experiences to make all ends meet, make all relationships work, make everyone happy.
When humans were living in tribes in the wild — the aim of life was basically to live, gather food and protect ourselves & our loved ones from natural causes and animal attacks. Fear played a crucial part in our survival as it what made us take necessary actions to ensure we live on. In case of anxiety, our brain senses an (unreal) fear of a forthcoming danger & this makes our body activate it’s ‘fright or flight’ mode basically putting us on a super-alert state — even though we don’t need it to. This mode can show up in your body as — a headache, tightening of the jaw/other muscles, pain in some part of the body and/or more. This danger that our mind senses is made up by itself — it can be a fear of a person, fear of getting stuck in a tensed situation, fear of having to suppress your feelings. In many cases — the fear is also fueled by a past stressful experience like — having another anxiety attack as maybe the last one you had terrified you/made you feel completely helpless/alone. This is called Anticipatory Anxiety. For me, the effects were frequent migraines (which I don’t get anymore since the last 1 year : ), clenching of the jaw, neck & shoulders muscles that would make it difficult to breathe, giving me a feeling of chocking. This would lead to a panic attack as I felt stuck in an endless loop every day with no relief even for a second. How did I stop having them? By not avoiding them anymore. I was at a point, where my anxiety attacks had become purely anticipatory which means my body would start tightening muscles anticipating that there was going to be an anxiety attack soon. For the longest time, I tried avoiding it/ trying to train my mind NOT to expect it to happen. But that is not how our mind works. Whatever you try to not think about — you will end up thinking only about that. In one of my sessions my therapist told me to NOT think about a white elephant. The next 10 minutes all I could think about was the stupid white elephant!
2. “What’s Next?”
Honestly, I have already achieved more in my life than any goal I had ever set for my future by the age of say 18. So now I am living the dream. That’s great, sure! But then what’s next? What is the next adventure/goal? In my sessions I realized I had not made new goals! I had been just so busy with the responsibilities that come with building a family, becoming a mother, making a home & professionally — doing what I love.) that over the past 10 years I had completely forgotten that setting new goals and striving to reach them is what keeps life going. I now needed to set fresh goals for me — individually — as a person — some of which might be insanely ridiculous ones but regardless if I ever reach them or not, I will live a more interesting, fun, exciting, challenging, and fun life!
To me, the only enemy in life is boredom. When you set realistic goals, you end up living a boring life. We all need adventure to feel alive. So I put time into figuring out what excited me now and made sure I added those things to my everyday so that I could look forward to the future. I needed to go back to my fearless, bold, weird self — take risks again, and even make space in my life again for my natural unpredictability that was always one of the things that set me apart growing up (later however, life happened and slowly the need to fit in crept in I guess and forced me unknowingly to suppress my quirkiness). It was time to bring all that back and be my authentic self — no matter who does or does not like it.
3. Revelation
The need to uphold a certain image about yourself in front of family/friends/society — causes many of us to suppress and hide the fact that we are going through something. That further adds to our troubles. The number one thing to remember is — You are not alone. What’s happened to you has happened, is happening and will keep happening to countless people in this world to varied degrees. You might be worried that revealing any mental troubles might have people looking down upon you or might look at you with sympathy/pity. Trust me, the only people that do this are the ones who have no fucking clue about what this means and how to react. If they pity you, it says more about their mindset than yours. And while your mental illness might make you seem weaker — reality is more likely to be just the opposite. Because having been through a tough journey to self-discovery you are probably more equipped to handle mentally challenging situations than someone who has not been through it. For example — My mother who is 82 — was, quite unexpectedly, the calmest among us all when it came to handling the recent passing away of my father. So the next time you see an individual going through a mental illness, don’t look at the them and think you are talking to someone who feels confined by his or her circumstances. Because you might be talking to a famous author, an inventor, an artist, a scientist, an actor, a journalist, or an athlete who just might be able to kick you and your 5K running butt to the curb.
(via Tricia Downing)
4. “Speaking your truth”
Over the years I learnt that to maintain peace — it was somehow important that I refrain from expressing certain thoughts and feelings (either altogether or in my natural bold way) in order to avoid hurting/upsetting people. The fear of upsetting people and them not telling me about it — stretching it out — caused more anxiety as I kept watching every move I made every day — walking on eggshells. This had happened unknowingly. I see it now but at the time I saw this as just me ‘adjusting’. I had to stop doing that. From there on, I had no choice but to be the real me. No second-guessing myself. Yes, it will make some people not like me anymore, might burn some bridges and that’s totally fine. Today I would not try to ‘fit in’ at the cost of my mental wellness. No. The painful process and struggle that I had to go through alone to get to this point of clarity about myself has been like no other. It’s been the most trying time of my life and also the most enlightening. I would never again give up that clarity, peace of mind & my re-found voice for anything at all. If something costs you one of these things — it’s too expensive. You don’t need it.
The opposite of the word ‘Confine’ is ‘Release’ however, the word ‘Release’ brings with it a notion of escaping confinement which is not what I want to say — What I want to say is — Don’t confine your mind to anything in the first place.